The Greatest Battle of All Was Gay

Alexander prowled about the war tent, carefully caressing a pointing stick.

"Hephaistion! And you other guys. Here's the battle plan."

Cassander muttered something about a wig.

"This guy here will brush gently, gently across their sides." Alexander pointed at a small figurine with the stick. Hephaistion applied makeup and licked his lips. Alexander looked at him and grunted.

Cassander remarked some things about legs like a girl.

"Ahem. That guy will press firmly through the center.." Hephaistion started tracing his lips with his significant finger. Alexander grunted, panted and then grunted again.

Cassander had something to say about snakes getting into places.

"... and that other guy will spread the enemy wide.. wide..." Alexander stopped for drooling, because Hephaistion's skirt was raised at the front.

Cassander shared his thoughts about the Iliad in Alexander's bed rolled up in such a convenient way.

"And then, Hephaistion will.. penetrate.." Alexander jumped on top of Hephaistion, panting and grunting, and Ptolemy shouted "Meeting adjourned!"

***

Alexander rode Bucephalus long and hard before the amazed eyes of the Macedonian soldiers. Then he mounted him and started yelling at random men.

"That guy! You slept with your brother in front of your baby sisters. Good job. The other guy! You killed your mother for wanting to bathe you. That's the kind of man I want in my army! Hephaistion! Meet me after the battle in my tent, it's my turn to go down.."

"Alexander! Your battle speech, and I'll bring the oil."

"Oh, true. Hephaistion, soldiers and vulture!" grunted Alexander.

"Erm.. what?" asked several soldiers.

"I said-- it doesn't matter, you wouldn't understand it. It all started a long time ago, when Hephaistion shagged me when Aristotle was sleeping. He started by sniffing at my golden hair and.."

"Our king?"

"Um well, where was I, oh yes! Soldiers. I am the son of Zeus and a.. well.. let's say snake-lover and leave it at that. And when I tell you to refrain from homoerotic contact on the eve of the battle, I have a reason. I ask you now, have you refrained?"

Half of the soldiers hid the other half behind them, then started yelling and hitting their shields.

"Good. I wish I could say the same, my brave men, but Hephaistion insisted on spending the night riding.."

"My king? The battle?" asked Ptolemy.

"Oh. Yes." Alexander grunted. "I had a very good reason. You see, soldiers, I have been planning this meeting with the Persians since my mother placed the first snake inside my.."

"Alexander!"

"Mouth! I was going to say mouth! And please stop interrupting me when I'm having flashbacks. It's not good for my brain."

Cassander whispered something about too late.

"Finally, men! In this meeting with the Persians you will prove that Macedonians are real men and Persians are real.. hmm.."

"Women?" suggested Ptolemy.

"No.. I was thinking more about crocodiles, but women will do. Yes, soldiers. You will need to shag the Persians and shag them good. In a literal way."

"My king!" shouted a scout riding from the back of the ranks. "We must start the battle now, the soldiers are getting so impatient that they are making love to themselves with their own spears!"

"Conquer your premature ejaculation and I promise you will conquer death!" yelled Alexander and charged.

***

"Take his king! Take his queen! Take his virginity!" yelled the Macedonians on their side.

"Ugachaka-uga-uga!" yelled the Persians on their side.

There were two men with a board between them in the middle of the two sides.

Alexander rode to them. "Is this your idea of battle, my brave men? Playing a board game?"

"It's strip chess, my king. They taught it to us. And the Persian is losing."

"What does that mean?" asked Alexander.

"It means we get to shag their entire battalion. And the others are winning further. We are kicking their arses, in a manner of speaking."

"Conquer their butts and I promise you will conquer their hearts!" suggested Alexander.

The Persian soldiers looked at the capture of the chess king with wide eyes, then turned their backs. The Macedonians advanced towards them merrily.

"I can't stand to watch. If I do, I will have to jump Hephaistion, and he's doing such a good job with that soldier. Ow."

As Alexander watched, the soldier grabbed his sword and brandished it towards Hephaistion. Slow-motion commenced, focusing on the obscenities Alexander's mouth spewed forth. The sword cut a lock of Hephaistion's hair and fell.

"NOOOOOOO! My Hephaistion!!" screamed Alexander. "Not his HAIR!! I would have forgiven you for riding with him, for spilling wine on his skirt, for sleeping with my mother.. But THIS! This will not be tolerated! Bow under my golden locks and piercing onyx eyes!"

The soldier did, and Alexander spanked him with his own belt.

"Align all Persians! They shagged Hephaistion and he too is Alexander so that means they shagged me! And I always want to give back the pleasure I take."

"But Alexander.." said Hephaistion. "Will you still be able to.. tonight?"

"It's time the extensive training with my mother paid off."

A scout galloped towards Alexander, raising the dust. "My king! Darius is preparing to leave, because he hasn't got any action."

Alexander and Hephaistion rode like fury towards Darius' chariot. He was waiting, braiding his great beard.

"You have the honor, my Alexander."

"Um.. Hephaistion, you know I feel a bit insecure."

"Say no more."

Hephaistion ripped off his clothes and advanced towards Darius. The Persian king eyed his weapon once and ran off with the chariot.

There were very few soldiers in the Persian army able to sit before dusk fell. The great battle had been won. Alexander celebrated the victory by drinking wine off Hephaistion's thighs and shagging Cassander for a change.

The whole world had learnt that it was not safe to turn your back to the Macedonians.